I always had a good laugh with the people around me. I was optimistic and full of energy. A happy-go-lucky guy that didn’t have to worry of any problems whatsoever. I follow my instincts and be as adventurous as I could ever be. People look up to me because I am that positive despite of everything that happens to me. I have this perfect balance of work + school + fun, and still not messed anything up. I was happy jud. Really, really happy.
But when I see myself now, it doesn’t feel like me at all. I have this gloomy attitude inside my gut. I easily get upset and insecure at people. There’s something in me that tries to be something/someone I am not.
I feel dumb. Yes, dumb. And I am not! I am a smart guy! But I still feel stupid at everything. I feel like my position in the society is at the lowest level. I feel like a n00b at everything. I tend to compare myself to others, and it’s so not me at all.
I don’t hate my life, but I hate the person I’m becoming. It’s like the ugly duckling story in reverse: I’m the beautiful, happy duckling that turns into an ugly, monstrous, insecure swan. Super ironic, and stupid.
I’m not saying I’m not happy now, I still have my joyful moments, it’s just different from what I was before.
IS IT BECAUSE I’M GETTING OLD? Geez, I hope not.
STILL NOT IN-LOVE? Maybe, but I don’t think that’s it.
There’s something missing in me. That “happy-me” catalyst, that missing screw of my happy life. And I have to find it if I still want to get back on my feet and be happy again.
Or maybe because of this stupid flu that makes me unproductive at everything. 🙁