on being 24, the past (difficult) year, and Gru

I’m 24.

Before I get emo and all, I just want to say thank you to everyone who greeted me in my birthday. To all the 100++ Facebook and Twitter friends who made an effort to make a wall post/tweet and greeted me, thank you! I may not know some of you personally but still, thank you! And to those who called, texted, video chatted, and IM’ed me from all over the world to say “Happy Birthday”, super thank you. And of course, to those who greeted me personally in flesh (a.k.a my officemates and trivia friends), thank you! Special mention to some people: To Nanie for the only tangible gift I received (I like the gift and the very intricate recycled card nan, thank you!). The curly junkfood surprise by Shiela, Poy, Daryl and Terence, touché on the Chiz Curls hair. And to my trivia night friends (Odina, Stacey, Pam, Rose, Jason) for the first place award and the cupcake-in-the-face surprise plotted by Jean at the end of the night. It was the best present of the night so far. To everyone, you made my day really extra special so thank you all very much! I’m super touched and happy.

The past 365 days was both bitter and sweet.

Sweet because I travelled a lot of places from the past year. I went to Surigao, Oslob, Singapore, and Biliran which was by the way the best highlights of my 23rd year. I also started to join marathons: CCM 2012, SM to SM, Globe, Columbia Trail Runs and Kawasan Falls run. I was also support crew to my friends running ultramarathon. I also started swimming, biking and going to trivia nights again. I was also into online games lately, playing Diablo 3, Guild Wars 2, Dota2 and some Steam games. I had a healthy mind and body lifestyle, that’s why I also lost some weight the past year. I’m still sporting an afro by the way. I was also able to upgrade my phone and camera, and also bought a gaming PC which was by the way a good investment for me. So this year was not at all dull and sad.

Bitter because I experienced many emotional breakdowns caused by 2 major (and life-changing) events that happened this year.

First, we broke up months ago. The relationship that I thought would last for years. But I wasn’t able to hold it and we parted ways. It wasn’t pretty. There were a lot of tears shed and heartaches felt from both of us. The sad thing was we really didn’t even settle it and we parted both bitter and hurt. So for months, I was in a dark place (both of us actually). Until just a few weeks ago, I decided (finally) to just not care anymore. There’s a reason why we broke up, and why we are not working out. She clearly moved on, and it’s about time that I should also do the same and accept the fact that we are not for each other. It’s not the end of the world, and clearly she was not worth it.

Second, and the most devastating experience that I’m still dealing with: the death of my dog, Gru. It was sad and very very painful for me. A week ago, I was noticing he was very ill, and contacted a vet that was near our place. The doctor was not at home, and we had to reschedule it the day after so I agreed. Gru was not able to stand anymore because he’s weak, but he still ate the food I gave him. I put a bandaged to his leg that I think caused the infection (it was a swollen hotspot wound under his leg that never noticed until that day). The night after that I couldn’t sleep, I was thinking of Gru. I was hoping he’d be okay and that the vet will find out what’s wrong with him. And for the first time in a very long time, I prayed. I prayed to God that my dog would be okay. I even asked for forgiveness because of the attention I never gave to Gru the past few weeks because I was busy dealing with my other problems. I asked God to at least give me time to make it up with my dog, all the lost attention and playtimes I missed with him. But it was too late. Gru died the morning of September 17, 2012. He wasn’t able to survive it. I was too late.

I was too late. It’s all my fault. I was so busy thinking of other problems when all I need was my dog- my friend and therapist. I thought that he’d always be there, and I even did my best to take care of him. But it wasn’t enough. I missed out on Gru, all those times that I should’ve been there with him, and not with other things. I realized that my dog was all I needed to make things better, and even that I lost it. The time when Gru needed me most, I wasn’t there, and the painful part is he was always there for me, just waiting for my attention and call. I’m sorry Gru, this is all my fault.

I really miss you Gru..

I miss Gru, I really do. And I’m still in the middle of coping up with his death. He was a family and a friend to me. I miss the way he just sit and watch me while I tease him with a treat. The way he likes his tummy and neck rubbed. The rawhide that even how big it is, it wont last for a week. And just those moments when I sit beside him feeling his fur coat….. I just miss you much Gru, and I’m really really sorry. It still hurts that you’re not here anymore, it’s really painful. I hope you’re in a good place now. :'(

I admit I took a lot of things for granted because I was always thinking they will always be there. I realized that knowing they’re always there is not enough to keep them. Love is not enough in a relationship, but we also have to consider how time is important in the equation. Without it, you will lose them easily. And that happened to my last relationship, and to Gru.

I’m not perfect, and I’m not even close to being that best typical boyfriend or super passionate pet owner. But I never stopped loving and caring to those the one I love. Yet I still lost them because I didn’t give that much time to them thinking they’d always be there. This was a big wake-up call for me, one major thing that I’d carry and live with for the rest of my life. I hope to not make these mistakes again in my life because the past year was very scarring for me. I’d say this chapter of my life is so far the most difficult for me, and I’m still in the process of surviving and taking in all these. I have regrets and I have to live with them. But with that, I taught myself a lesson. A lesson that I will continue to teach myself as I go through with life. I’m still 24 and I still have so many things ahead of me, even more tough situations to battle. I just hope that future me will make the right decision this time and fight these battle with a strong heart.

So the past year was really hard for me, but at the same time life-changing. If my life is made into a movie, I will pick this year as the climax of the story. I had ups and downs, and that made me a better person. I’m looking forward to this year. Been asking God for a reboot in my life, but He didn’t give me that. He instead gave me a chance to defrag and fix my life. A fresh start. And I will do my best to make the most out of it.

P.S. I would like to say again thank you to my friends who were there for me during these trying times. From the love/hurt/breakup/moving on advices (painful and not) ushered with many beers, liquors and tears, to the comfort you gave me when I lost Gru. I was a pain in the ass and a whining emo, but you still stayed with me to get through all these heartaches I was experiencing. You know who you are and I swear I could have not survived this year without you. You were the best part of my year so thank you. I’m so grateful to have you guys.

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