“It’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all”
This has been an emotional year for me. I found love, and I lost it.
I never thought I could ever love someone. I’m not really the “boyfriend” material type. If single people were fishes in the ocean of love, I’m not exactly a good catch. I’m a guppy compared to tunas and chars of people with great, awesome looks and personality. But I was surprised when someone actually took a chance to catch a guppy and actually cared about it. Stop with the fish metaphor. For the first time in my life, I actually know what love is because someone showed it to me (god, stop quoting this song Fred).
Yes, I fell in love to someone I’ve known for like forever.
I’ve known this person since I came to Cebu for college. I remember the first time I saw her, she was quirky and loud. I notice her catty smile while talking and laughing with her friends. I was a loner back then and I know no one in the classroom. But every time she walks in, she always lit up the room with her bubbly and loud personality. I’m just fascinated about her. We were also PE classmates back then, and there was one time when we had to find a practice partner. I asked her if she wants to be one. That was pretty much the first time I got the chance to talk to her. But I was bummed when she said “umm, i’m sorry but i’m waiting for my partner.”. So I just walked away and looked for someone else. I was shocked about how blunt she can be, but I didn’t take it seriously. At least I was able to talk to her. And that partner never came, she was absent (hahaay). I saw her just sitting down in the gym stairs, waiting for that partner. I could’ve been her partner.
We were classmates for almost all subjects and eventually, because of some common friends, we became also friends. We became close and pretty much fighting most of the time. She always challenge my arguments, and we always make fun of each other. And sometimes I even ask her about some love and girl advice, and she always helps. She was one of my best friends. I know her personality, her attitude, what makes her happy, what makes her cry and what she loves to eat.
I never really thought we would end up each other because of those fights and not-being-serious-with-each-other moments. I just know that when I’m with her, I’m happy. And she’s happy too. When we graduated, we already seldom see each other. I miss her company. I miss fighting her. I miss her loud voice and catty smile. I didn’t know what I feel back then, I just know I want to be with her.
But things got serious when she was heart broken with some guy she was crazy about. She was not this girl that go ga-ga for a guy (at least that’s what I know that time). I was just surprised how heartbreaking that is for her. For the first time, I saw sadness in her eyes. I was not exactly her person-to-talk-to about love stuff, but when she got the chance to talk to me and knew how much she loved that someone, I was mind-blown. I never thought she can be that vulnerable. That’s when I knew I have to be with her that time more than ever because she needed someone to cling on. I was being a good friend, being blunt all the time about all the things she was blind about. This time, I was the guy she listens for advice. And the more times we spent with each other, I never thought I was falling in love with her.
The first time I told her about how I feel , she was in-love with that someone. I was scared then to try again, knowing that she might not get over with that guy. Few months later, I tried again, and surprisingly, she also feels the same way about me too for some time already. And I knew that was it. We we’re in-love.
We became official and that was the happiest moment of my life. I never thought I could really love again, but I did, and to this wonderful, amazing person. I was sure that she’s the girl I could spend my entire life with. We were happy. We have so many beautiful moments together. Although there were some usual arguments, we manage to patch it up. We were perfect for each other coz we understand each other. She knows me more than anyone else. And I get her when no one else does.
But for some time, those arguments kept coming and coming. And most of the time we took everything seriously. We fight for things that really don’t matter. I was screwing it up. She was screwing it up. We cooled-off for a couple of times, and we eventually broke up. It was painful. Because we knew that we don’t want that. We were head-over-heels with each other. But I was a scumbag because I was messing everything up. And she turned into someone I didn’t know. She changed, maybe because it’s my fault. Everything was my fault and I was stupid enough to not admit before. I never knew how lucky I was until she was gone.
She was gone.
We’ve hurt each other for so many times. I tried to repress the feelings deep inside just to be numb about her. I was angry and I was scared. We knew our relationship was already unhealthy for us emotionally. That time I knew that was the end of us. I never tried to get back because I knew I wouldn’t be enough for her.
Now she’s moved on, and actually right now, I’m not sure if I really did. I tried to bury this pain I felt. I thought I moved on because I always clear my mind off things about what happened to us. And now that she’s moved on, it’s haunting me knowing that I could lose her to another guy. What hurts the most is I knew we still have unresolved issues but we just left it hanging, and now I’m carrying all that pain. It hurts because I knew I could resolve it. I was scared that’s why I didn’t. And now it’s too late.
But despite all the things happened, I just wish her to be happy. I wish I could turn back time and undo all the mistakes I made.
Now, I know it wouldn’t be easy for me, and I might hate the next guy, but I hope she’ll be happy. I hope the next guy would be able to give everything I wasn’t able to.
“It’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.”
And for you, if you’re reading this, I wanna say these things:
I’m sorry for everything. I now we didn’t really talk about much after we broke up but I want you to know how deeply and sincerely sorry I really am. I know we got off badly, and I’m to blame for that. I know you hate me, and you have every right to be. I was an asshole but now I resent for being one. I’m still that guy who makes videos with you, the “Lays” guy, the guy that you and Judy always make fun of, that guy who wears a bonnet, that guy from college. I hope we get a chance to talk, and patch-and-forget the past. Thank you for everything. I would love to go back and be friends again. No awkwardness, just going back to arguing and making fun of each other. Just being friends again.
I’m happy you moved on and I hope you’re happy now as ever.